swirling dishes and positive things

Swirling Dishes...

[August 11, 2010]

I'm not sure how I feel right now. So many things are being tossed into the air-where they end up being in some anti-gravity swirl above my head.

And I'm just standing here catching glances of it, wondering when one of them will come back down or if I'm getting caught in it as well.

As I work through areas-every conversation, every cry, or journal writing of "lostness"-the areas of focus/subject of thought, etc.. slowly unstick themselves from my table. Even recently, (as in tonight, on the drive back from an outing) through exchanged words and personal thoughts, a couple more of my stable dishes started losing their hold. They began floating as a kite would-still tied to my table by a string, but the pull was too great and they too, were let go into my swirl atmosphere.

When will I be stable again?

How can I pull these things out of the air?

Can I even reach high enough to do that?

Will things come back down by themselves?

Are they gonna crash if they do?

please, God- be my stability-everything else is up in the air...

Positive Things...

[August 26, 2010]

I can't imagine being around dying-hurting people all night. Hmmm......

Ok, the reason I say that is because I was up all night-painting the..morning away :) And when I crashed in my bed, I thought of people like those on Grey's Anatomy: hospital employees who have long shifts-sometimes through the night-I simply wonder if they actually do love their job.

If that's the case, then I guess they really would just acclimate themselves to the schedule and adjust sleeping patterns, etc.

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That is exactly what I've done-I have gotten so much accomplished in the wee morning hours and I love it. I feel so spent by the end of it all, but there is nothing like a good sleep after an adrenaline-charged day/night of hard work (other than the fact that socially, it's a bit off, but..). Continuing with this example: I LOVE painting! Perhaps hospital employees and the like-love their job just as much and that's how they're able and why they want to keep on keepin on, yeah? Life doesn't need to be such a drudge!

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Somehow I have lost parts of myself along the way; but I want to be ME again-surround myself with positive things. =) God's been teaching me a lot about this lately. I am amazed at how many little unique traits, gifts, and skills ingrained in me, that I have dropped-thinking, "some day in the future, I'll have lots of time and a perfect place to start doing that again.."

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I'd encourage you to evaluate where you're at right now too. Do you love what you're doing? Or have you, for so long- pushed aside "for a future time," hobbies/activities/people in your life that make you smile? It's good and healthy to have some positive things surrounding you, so...get those paint brushes back out!

Beyond the Shore

A song came to my mind today and I think it's totally worth typing out into my July blog. Being out here in Washington-I've felt very Pocahontas-y because of the beauty of nature surrounding me everywhere...I always knew I could relate to Disney characters. I feel ya, Pocahontas--I smell what you're steppin in, I'm singin with the voices of the mountain!

In the 4th stanza of Just Around the Riverbend, it reads, "Why do all my dreams extend just around the riverbend?" Oh my gosh, those lyrics are gold--at least they are for me..right now. And in the 1st stanza: "To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing what's around the riverbend." Guhhh! Well, I don't want to be safe anymore!

I think these lyrics would reflect my writing for tonight (other than her life-altering decision to marry Kocoum, that is) so here they are:
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JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND

by Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz

What I love most about rivers is

You can't step in the same river twice

The water's always changing always flowing.

But people, I guess can't live like that

We all must pay a price. To be safe-

We lose our chance of ever knowing..

.

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What's around the riverbend,

Waiting just around the riverbend.

I look once more just around the riverbend

Beyond the shore-where the gulls fly free

Don't know what for

What I dream the day might send

Just around the riverbend for me
Coming for me

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I feel it there beyond those trees

Or right behind these waterfalls

Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming

For a handsome sturdy husband

Who builds handsome sturdy walls

And never dreams that something might be coming?

Just around the riverbend

Just around the riverbend

I look once more just around the riverbend

Beyond the shore-Somewhere past the sea

Don't know what for...

Why do all my dreams extend just around the riverbend?

Just around the riverbend.

Should I choose the smoothest curve

Steady as the beating drum?

Should I marry Kocoum?

Is all my dreaming at an end?

Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver

Just around the riverbend

...

The question of why all my dreams extend around the riverbend is one I've been mulling over for awhile. I know that You ARE waiting for me-waiting to drop huge blessings in my boat. I also know that the other stuff in my boat isn't invisible, and You [being ever-so kind to prevent me from drowning] can see that there are things that need to be used, delivered, or tossed before anything else is added.

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.

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Plus, I've got more river to row. This rowing experience-to learn, grow, and be strengthened before receiving certain dreams-come-true is a necessary aspect of life. It prepares us for what comes next. And what's next for me just around the riverbend? Beyond the shore perhaps? I don't know. HA. But there is something very exhilerating about that and I'm proper psyched! :D

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Watch Just Around the Riverbend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DE5a80I8EU&feature=related

Page 206

A peek into my journal from June 28, 2010
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Today has been weird for sure, since our youth camp-out was last night- we stayed up throughout the night and morning. I went to bed today at 9am and got up at 4:45pm--which is a perfect sleep in Australia (11pm-6:45am) haha. Wow, though..my emotions are taking a toll on me because I've been so reflective and nostalgic lately. Every little daily activity reminds me of something from someone somewhere at sometime in my life-and a lot of thoughts fill my mind about who I was at certain points of my life as well. ie: when I used to help lead our church youth group 3 years ago.

Yesterday just reminded me of who I was then; not that that's an awful thing-per se, but for goodness SAKE- I have changed and grown in the past 3 years, right!? I'm not the same person (and neither do I want to be the same) as I was when I had just turned 20. When I feel some of the similar feelings popping into my actions, I want to stop myself and JUST BE ME-live in the NOW [humph]. I feel like I have taken steps backward. I want so badly to move forward and fulfill God's calling on my life, but I keep envying the past! By looking behind all the time, I have lost the ability to be productive and effective here- now. I don't know what to do anymore.

Now it's 12:46am, we are leaving for Seattle in 4 hours, and I'm not packed..and not in the mood to plan! I am so frustrated with myself...And to top it all off-I have to run a few things to the book drop at the library sometime in these next few wee hours.
..

[Then God gets ahold of my heart]

I started reading in "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." I was thinking- dangit! I've had this book for a month and haven't read more than a few pages here and there. But tonight God wanted me to read page 206 (this being a friend's hotel room number that I took note of yesterday). Page 206 happened to be the last page of the book.
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I just felt that was God's way of saying to me-- "Briana, for right now-this is all you need to read from this book. Don't fret about not having finished it, but recognize the couple treasures I've shown you and move forward from there."

To quote the last lines of that page--"So don't worry that you haven't arrived, my dear sister. Just don't give up on the process. Don't miss the journey. For it will be glorious! It will be worth it all." -Joanna Weaver

And just as fitting for the beginning of vacation-as well as in the grand scheme of my life- this quote that Weaver included at the very end of her book has truly become my prayer:

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A PRAYER FOR THE JOURNEY

"O Christ, do not give me tasks equal to my powers,

but give me powers equal to my tasks,

for I want to be stretched by things too great for me.

I want to grow through the greatness of my tasks,

but I shall need your help for the growing."

-E. Stanley Jones

..

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God, I know there's more ahead-greater things to look forward to. I won't give up- I just need your help.

Untie The Bow

I'm stuck again-pondering how funny true life can be...
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As in, when you come to certain points in your own life that you've admired (almost jealously) in other people's lives--or perhaps poured your passion into their big moments-- it doesn't quite feel the same once you encounter your own personal experience-being "in the spotlight." I don't think so much that it's a bad thing, but instead of trying to make all the exterior look grand, or getting caught up in what things look like to other people, you're simply excited to enjoy the real thing.
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It's as though all those previous times, you thought you knew exactly what you wanted by observing the "public" appearance of that friend, family member, role model of some sort, etc; and you focused so much on what it was going to look like for you once you got there--BUT you forgot to stop and wonder how they were actually feeling during the event/moment/time...
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Are you missing the point?

When you receive a gift box wrapped in a pretty bow, do you only stop and marvel at the ribbon without even opening the real gift?
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(with a delighted gasp) "Oh, this long, beautiful, silky, gold ribbon-so smooth to the touch-it twinkles in my eyes when I catch a glimpse. It's what I've always wanted!"
Uh, no. You look at the ribbon and take it off right away- to open, enjoy, and use the gift inside.
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Did you ever think life could be the same way? Take the stupid ribbons off and enjoy the dang gift! It may be awkward opening it if people are watching you (like it is on your birthday, hello!)-and some of them might get jealous, but it's time to start using what's been given to you rather than staring at the wrapping-and making sure that it looks put together. And who cares about the person's "ribbons" next to you. We're all so insecure--I guarantee, that when not so many people are watching them, they can't wait to untie the bow either.
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I'm telling you, life is funny like that. Once you're the one experiencing the real thing-somehow you stop caring so much about that appearance you always admired-that you always thought was a big deal-that you wished for. Yeah, because now you have something better than the frivolous silky bow, you've got the real thing.

Familiar Place

I actually wrote this, standing at Ross the other day. I was in charge of the fitting room for several hours (glorious job, I know). I came back to this same place that I worked before Australia, because I felt like God wasn't done using me there yet; and it's been interesting, that's for sure. Making new memories in an old place-not knowing what the ultimate purpose is... I get very restless, and so I began to write in my in-between times to keep me sane. This particular blog relates-literally to my job, but on a broader scale-my life in its current state...

Here I am once again standing in this familiar place, just waiting.

Waiting for my purpose to unfold and interact with

the people I see every day.

There-it was one smile-could this possibly make the difference?

Is what I do on a daily basis actually anything important?

You respond with, "How could it not be." But I'm still struggling to see it.

To see through my blindness-I try too hard to discover truths

When I could depend on Your sight and Your revelations to me.

Everyone deals with the sting that insignificance makes you feel.

Help me not to compare myself-my life-

to the person next to me, in front of me, and behind.

I get so bored-so restless and frustrated, that it forces me

to keep checking the clock.

But knowing what time it is won't change what it is

-just another worry.

And what is worry? Worry is more of a burden

than the actual burden you're worried about!

Is this a joke? I want to know if anyone

has mastered this "balanced life" --

The life of true care for loved ones

and for the world in need

whist enjoying that of a carefree,

dance in the street, sleep on the beach,

try something new everyday life.

Is that not what You want for me anyway?
I know it makes You smile when I laugh.

And it makes me smile when I can hear Your laughter.

I love picturing Your face.

Jesus, do You ever get recognized

for Your sense of humor?

I love this simple fact.

You were human--experiencing

everything I do with friends-

The sarcasm, the pranks, the friendly teasing

-just for kicks.

The early morning grogginess

and late night delirium.

I truly wish to know You.

I mean REALLY know who You are, why You are-

Not just what You are- not just know of You or about You.

No, I want You.

I want the--behind-the-scenes, real, raw, nothing to hide--

relationship with You.

So, here I am once again standing in this familiar place, just waiting.

Waiting for You-now. Reveal to me now. Teach me now. I love you now.

I'm waiting now--I'm ready.

I See You

March 13, 2010. Virginia Beach: Gateway Women's Retreat

Lauren and I spent hours of Jesus time out on the beach that day, alone-and together as well.
This thought had come up and we wondered about ourselves- if when we see His creation, whether we marvel at what was made more than Who made it...And so, during my walk down the shoreline, this is what He showed me. I sat down on the sand to write this out because now I see Him in everything.

[photo: March 2010. Virginia Beach]

I see you in the sun-

Brighten my walk with your rays

I see you in the seagulls-

Teaching me how to fly

I see you in the ocean-

So relentless-your love

Pounding more abundant under the pressure

I even see you in the surfers-

Willing to take risks and have fun

'

I hear your constant call-

Coming from the deep as it reaches my feet

I feel you in the air-

Sometimes stronger.

Urging me-a sense of calling.

Obedience is up to me

I know you in the clouds-

When to protect. When to hold back.

When to bring passion, radiance, and clarity

It's you who knows-

When I will be capable of handling

Your true, full richness and light

'

Now because of you

I see you

Don't pity this FOOL

Been doing a lot of soul searching lately...All I want to write is 1 Corinthians 2:9-16.

Never have I grasped this concept as much as I do now.

9 "However, as it is written:

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him." [Isaiah 64:4]

10 But God revealed it to us by His Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who among man knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12 We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13 This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom, but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. 14 The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. 15 The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:
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16 "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" [Isaiah 40:13] But we have the mind of Christ."

It's so rich! I love getting to know the Holy Spirit :) God, you are ever-increasing my understanding of you. But increasing equals deepening and maturing--and that means my eyes are opened to a whole new "room" that I've never seen before...which means more questions continue to rise!

I guess that's how a devoted life to Christ looks like though, doesn't it? Just as you get to know someone--a stranger becomes an aquaintance, then friend by association, (then comes the facebook friend request... haha) close friend, and then after investing time into the relationship: BEST friend. You start out with all the basic questions and knowledge and as you continue in the friendship, you never know exactly who they are, but you grow to understand them better--their character, their likes/dislikes, desires, pet peeves, dreams, and some of the "why" behind the "who." I'm thankful for your revelations to me--I can only press on if you're my strength! This is me saying, I want to be obedient. I want to be led by the Spirit in an all-out, crazy passionate, and extraordinary life that brings you fame!

Make me a FOOL in the eyes

of men.

I know it's a bold statement, but I'm willing to take that risk.